~ Barebacking ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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A bumper sticker popular a few years ago claimed ‘Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go
everywhere!” Change the pronouns and you have a pretty fair statement of the way some of us feel
about sex. “Good Boys” may seem more likely to end up in relationships, but the thrill of being “bad”
is much more fun to many of us.
When it comes to safer sex, “Good Boys” use a condom every time, just like we’ve been taught since
the mid 1980’s. Good Boys have taken the messages of safer sex to heart.
Increasingly, though, many gay men are acknowledging that they get a kick out of being Bad Boys.
Bad Boys aren’t Good Boys who “slip” and forget to use a rubber. Rather, they are seeking skin-to-
skin sex, no condoms involved, in what has come to be known as “barebacking.”
Some people are horrified at the idea of unprotected sex in a time when HIV is still very much a threat
to health and well being. They see barebackers as self-destructive. No doubt some men really are
self-destructive; they think so little of their own lives that using a condom seems pointless. Painting
everyone with this brush is way too simplistic and misses the deeper meaning of sex for gay men.
Some men are attracted to the sensations that are present when a condom isn’t. Others get excited
knowing that they are doing something risky; they are drawn to the break-the-rules aspect of the act.
The excitement for them is similar to the rush some men experience from sex in public places. Other
men are drawn to the fact that this is an ultimate act of faith in their partner, and act of trust and
intimacy that puts everything on the line.
All sex that involves opening the heart is risky to some extent. Intimacy requires vulnerability, and
vulnerability carries with it the possibility of being hurt. While we usually think of our emotions as most
at risk when we think of intimacy, the sense of putting our physical selves in the line of fire as well may
be a craving that isn’t fully conscious. We want to be fully present during sex, and this may be one
way to do it.
Sadly, safer sex information often subtly trivializes gay sex. Little attention is paid to how important
cum is to many men, for instance. If ejaculate is discussed at all, it’s only in discussing ways to keep it
out of your body. That’s treated as a small price to pay for avoiding infection.
This misses the meaning of sex for many men. Ejaculate is not some meaningless “bodily fluid;” it is a
powerful, mystical substance. It is in some ways the essence of male erotic energy and power. It’s
warmth and wetness, taste and fragrance captivate our senses. To watch a man ejaculate is to see
him naked and raw and unselfconscious; to feel him ejaculate is to experience the power of what it
means to be a sexually alive man.
Small wonder that when safer sex instructions imply that ejaculate is a toxic substance or dismiss it’s
importance, men may become alienated from their own bodies – or simply learn to tune out these
messages completely.
None of this is to minimize the need to avoid HIV transmission. What is important is to make
conscious, sex-positive choices that respect the sacredness of our sexuality. Unprotected does not
always mean the same thing as unsafe. Sex between two (or more, for that matter) people who do not
have HIV is not going to put anyone at risk of transmitting HIV. Of course, there are other bugs out
there besides the “big” one. Conscious unprotected sex requires that the parties involved know about
their own physical health and well-being. It also requires that the parties involved be capable of telling
the truth and committed to telling it.
If some men are barebacking because they are seeking an intense and more profound connection
with their partners, there are other ways of getting to the same place without possibly compromising
their physical health. Some men talk about not liking the way condoms cut down on sensation, for
instance. If that’s true for you, think about exactly what sensations it is that you are seeking. Do you
take enough time to really savor the sensations that are already present, or is there a big rush to get
to one particularly sensation?
What place does semen play in your sexuality? Is it necessary for you to take your partner’s ejaculate
in your body for you to feel like your experience is complete? This can still be safe if you and your
partner have the same HIV status. If both of you are HIV negative and you want to dispense with
condoms, safety will require having a sexually-exclusive relationship or a clear commitment to safer
sex when being sexual with other men.
Sometimes ejaculate is a sort of shorthand for experiencing the other man’s erotic energy fully. If an
exchange of energy is what you’re ultimately seeking, explore other ways to make that powerful
connection and savor the sight, smell and feel of your partner’s cum. Celebrate each other’s orgasms
while keeping one another safe and healthy. Be shameless; get into it. Cheer him on. And savor the
powerful time after the climax, a time of hard breathing and open hearts. Don’t be in too much of a
hurry to tidy up.
The conflict many of us have over safer sex practices can help us to explore more deeply just how
powerful and sacred sexuality can be. In a world where gay male sexuality is often disrespected – if
not actually outlawed – to celebrate our sexuality and to enjoy it in ways that keep us healthy is a
powerful act of love.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.