It is sometimes hard for me to remember that 11 years has gone by in the blink of an eye. But always, something or someone comes along and does something very simple that reminds me how far the community has come, and how easily we can slide backwards. One of the most basic lessons in not only BDSM, but life as well is: Don't assume, ASK.
None of us have yet reached the point where we have had all of our questions answered. The really hard answers are not on our computers. We will never have all of the answers, but if we continue to ask, we will continue to learn and to grow as human beings, and as Leather folk, occasionally some of us will feel the need to try and walk upon water, but hopefully we remember to wear our water wings, because those who make that mistake are without a doubt, going to get wet...
Most of the greatest debates are sparked by questions that will never have one "right" answer, but if you don't ask, and sometimes continue asking those questions over and over again, you may never be able to figure out the answer to the question as it applies to you. Those are the deep dark questions, the ones you find answers to by asking, and listening, and watching and learning. If people, regardless of time "in" and level of experience would ask questions and then listen and process the answers, it seems to me that things could be a lot better for a lot more people.
I was recently reminded that even things that would seem to be common sense to me NOW, may not have been when I started out. I was reminded that I needed the people who have taken the time and effort to reach back to me, to answer my questions and help smooth my way. I still need them.
The original topic which inspired this article was "how should non-invited touching at BDSM socials and play areas be handled?" What should be done when submissives, collared or uncollared are touched without their Dominant's consent, or when applicable, their consent. Several people mentioned that aggressive Tops had touched or pulled on their collars, or their persons. I shot from the hip, since this is something that most people who have been around the public scene have encountered time and time again. I suggested breaking the offending persons arm and hand as well as kicking them in their genitalia. There really are people who I think it should be handled this way, but someone else reminded me that such an action might very well scare off new people. That viewpoint brought me to the topic I am now writing about, ASK!
Don't assume, inquire: "is it all right if I fondle your breast?" You may be disappointed, or possibly surprised at the answer, but at least you won't get your arm and hand broken and your genitalia kicked. Along the same lines, If you see something that (squicks? what is this?) freaks the hell out of you and you think it's unsafe, ask someone who is in a position to know. My goodness, ask the people involved, but only when they are finished.
Everyone that I know who plays in public is more than willing to tell you ALL about what they do and why and how they became interested, what they had for dinner and all about the kids or grandkids. Don't assume that just because it scares you that its unsafe. Don't go branding people with the big "U" because you don't know whats taking place. Ask. Ask more than one person, but ask.
Asking questions is a huge part of how we learn, be it our ABC's or whether that butt plug that's pumping itself in and out of its own volition while hooked to a TENS unit is safe. Ask.
I have a good friend that was telling me today that one of the nations (in my opinion) best scene educators made her nervous. Not because of the material, or the way that this lady presents it, but because seeing it made her feel ignorant and did not want that to show. The person who was telling me this is one of the best and brightest up and comers that I know in the Southeast Region, she is starting to get her feet wet, and reaching back to the people coming along behind her. One of the biggest things that she has going for her is that she does ask questions.
The old cliche is true, there really are no dumb questions, and if you have a question, chances are pretty good that someone else sitting around you has the same question. Ask. And believe me, the "Old Farts" enjoy being asked. It gives them a chance to show what they know, maybe shine and little, and continue to give back. After all, someone taught them. Ask. They did, and some still do.
The person who snickers at your question probably needs to have their genitalia kicked, because if they know the answer to your question and don't answer it politely, then they have failed to help a person who needs their help to grow and learn. That's not community service.
We live in a time when we CAN go to groups, demonstrations, parties and events, but if we sit there tight lipped when we have questions and don't ask, then what purpose has been served? Lets make the most of the opportunities that we have available to us today, options that not all that long ago were only dreams of a community with resources. Ask your questions and when your are given the answers, be willing to pass that information along.
Please, I'm asking you to.
Justin Medlin
Now that I have your attention feel free to email me. I may or may not respond to the emails, but I promise to read all of them.
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