~ BDSM Isn't What It Used To Be . . . ~
By Keith L. Kendrick
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In major American cities today small groups of otherwise relatively normal
people get together to discuss, and to a lesser extent practice, S/M. But wait a
minute -- doesn't S/M mean one person who enjoys deliberately inflicting pain
on another person who, for some reason, likes receiving that pain?
The answer certainly is yes, but to understand why these people gather to
discuss and practice S/M, you first need to understand the difference between
the old, traditional mainstream concept of sadism and masochism and the newer
concept of S/M that is currently being practiced in a healthy manner. In the old
concept, a sadist was usually someone who enjoyed inflicting pain on a person
who had not consented to it, and a masochist was someone who felt compelled
to experience the pain though it was usually considered "sick" to enjoy it.
Furthermore, these participants usually had a significant psychological
imbalance or disorder, and their S/M activities quite often could easily cause
long term harm, both physically and mentally.
The people who gather today to form small communities and even clubs
devoted to S/M enthusiasts are very different from this old concept. Before
discussing this difference though, let's examine the perception and image of
pain. When most people think of pain, they attach very negative connotations to
it, and the more negative the connotation, the more likely they are to think the
experience of pain is awful. However, in some cultures the stoic endurance of
pain has been viewed as a character builder, and consequently in such cultures
it is not always thought of as something bad. In a similar vein, in medical "pain
clinics" people are taught to change their thinking towards pain so that the
"hurt" doesn't bother them as much. Many of these pain clinic patients also
report that as a result of creating a new attitude towards dealing with physical
pain, they have made similar attitude changes and corresponding improvements
in other aspects of their lives as well.
Another facet of pain is found in the "runners high," which also occurs in some
other sports activities. In this type of "high," as a result of exhausting physical
exertion people experience muscle pain that causes the body to produce
endorphins, which is a natural pain-killing response. Endorphins are similar to
morphine and produce pleasurable euphoric feelings. They are also a
significant factor in why some people can discover pleasure in feeling pain, but
there are other factors as well.
Now back to the new versus the old concept of S/M. In contrast to the old
concept, this new S/M has come to emphasize the motto of "Safe, Sane, and
Consensual." This means that the S/M "play" is done in such a manner that will
not cause or transmit any long term physically disabling injury or disease.
Foremost is the concern with disabling muscle, skeletal or nerve injury, and the
transmission of hepatitis and AIDS's viruses as well as other diseases.
Secondly, this means that the S/M play is to be engaged in by participants who
are free of significant mental impairment, whether by psychological disturbance
or disorder, or by mind-altering substances.
Then each participant must willingly consent to whatever S/M activity that is
performed. If during an S/M "play scene" one person indicates he or she wishes
to stop, whether through a prearranged signal or an outright request, then the
other person must stop immediately. Of course this requires prior
communication--and people who don't communicate well usually don't do well
in this type of S/M.
One element of the contemporary S/M scene is also associated with the safe,
sane and consensual motto: respect and tolerance for other people. Most people
in S/M communities act with respect towards each other even though they may
dislike certain aspects of some members-- this is what is meant by tolerance.
Those who don't follow this implicit rule are usually quite effectively
ostracized from the group. About the only time tolerance is not shown is when
someone engages in activities that are not regarded as safe, sane, and
consensual, or when someone expresses hate or hostility based on unjust
discrimination.
Something else also occurs due to the growth of S/M communities: their
members form close relationships and often these relationships become
somewhat spiritual in nature, much as the bonds that develop between
"churchgoers" can enrich their spiritual lives.
Another development in this new S/M is the spiritual growth from an individual
perspective, whether from that of the giver (the "top") or the receiver (the
"bottom"). This spiritual development occurs as a result of learning greater
self-mastery, either in the sense of developing the ability to administer pain in
such a manner that ultimately provides pleasure, or in the sense of learning to
approach pain as a challenge to meet and come to enjoy. Sometimes these two
perspectives will be combined in one person (who is indeed fortunate) in his or
her ability to "switch" between "top" and "bottom" roles. And sometimes the
development of this self- mastery becomes a varying combination of artistic and
athletic expression, though it usually would be judged extreme by our cultural
norms.
But regardless of whether one is a top, bottom, or switch, the accompanying
inner growth brings a sense of satisfaction and sometimes real joy. Then when
such personal growth is shared with someone of a similar mind in an S/M play
setting, and you know you are enriching the other persons psychic/spiritual life,
the energy between the two people is multiplied in a synergistic effect known as
a "power exchange." This synergy is further enhanced when the power exchange
takes place among like-minded members of the S/M community.
There are also other reasons why people are attracted to this relatively new
style of S/M. Some people enjoy its rebellious quality of going against society's
taboos and cultural norms. For many the allure of S/M would be significantly
reduced if the majority of people were openly practicing it. But there probably
isn't much need to worry about this happening in the near future. And by no
means insignificant, the thrill of doing something that goes against cultural
norms, as well as the stimulation of pain itself, can cause the body to produce
extra adrenaline that can be very exhilarating.
Furthermore, for many people the practice of this contemporary S/M leads to
what many psychologists refer to as "flow." This is a pleasurable and virtually
universally sought after psychological experience in which a person is so
immersed in his or her experience that to a great extent the "self" is forgotten
and time becomes significantly altered, and the person feels enriched from the
experience. This is similar to the flow experience that artists and athletes often
experience. And just as extreme sports enthusiasts such as skydivers and
motorcycle racers often experience this enriching state of being, so do
practitioners of this new blend of art and sport called S/M.
Though this style of S/M may be an extreme in comparison to most of what
society enjoys, rather than being "sick," as some people who have narrow
minds would call it, it can lead to a multifaceted enrichment of one's
spirituality. Lastly though, safe, sane and consensual S/M is simply fun--or at
least it should be. If you don't enjoy it, you shouldn't be doing it. But if you don't
enjoy it--which is fine, not everyone needs to--please be opened minded enough
to allow others the freedom to enrich their lives with it. After all, the
individual's freedom to pursue happiness is the foundation that our country was
built on.
Copyright © 2000 by Keith L. Kendrick