Up to this point I have been mainly discussing the the submissive and her experience in isolation. I have tried to avoid mentioning the contribution that comes from the dominant so as to present an artificially clear picture. The addition now of the dominant factor brings a bit of reality into the discussion.
A submissive, on her own, can of course experience self-inflicted PDR. It is, however, a shallow, predictable and lonely experience.
The dominant introduces elements of unpredictability, apprehension, fear, love, intimacy, sharing, togetherness and sharing; as well as pacing and external control.
One of the principal contributions of the dominant is that by being in control of the PDR he allows the submissive to explore her feelings is a relatively responsibility-free and relaxed mind-set.
Here is a list of this and other contributions of the dominant:
1. The creator and controller of the fantasy (if any),
2. The controller and regulator of the PDR,
3. The source of the trust and feeling of safety that allows the submissive to "let herself go" and fully immerse herself in the experience,
4. A focus for the submissive's surrender of control,
5. Protector of the submissive's well-being.
Even though the "good stuff" happens inside the submissive's head, it is the dominant who is in control and who directs the action.
To maximise the experience the submissive needs to be protected from all distractions and to be relieved of any necessity to do other than "feel." To this end the submissive gives control over herself, to varying degrees, to the dominant. This control might simply be physical, allowing the dominant, for example, to inflict pain on or bind the submissive, or might also extend into the emotional allowing the dominant to play "head games", eg. humiliation. The degree of control handed over to the dominant is dependent on the extent of the submissive's desire or need for PDR, and by the amount of trust that the submissive has in the dominant's intentions and ability.
So the submissive gives up control and, therefore, can relax more into the experience of her act of submission. The more control she gives up, the less she has in the way of distraction and therefore the deeper she can immerse herself.
The dominant, now in control, directs the "action." This might involve fantasy role-playing for couples/submissives so inclined. The submissive, to some degree immersed or "lost" in the PDR, follows the lead of the dominant within the fantasy. It is not surprising to typically find that the submissive's role in any fantasies is also submissive, while the dominant's role is correspondingly dominant.
Submissives often immerse themselves to such an extent that they cannot judge or respond correctly to the pain that they are receiving. It is the job and responsibility of the dominant to regulate the stimulation and to monitor the effects that it is having on the submissive, guiding the "session", taking the submissive through her act of submission and back safely out the other side. The dominant, naturally enough, must remain aware enough and unaffected enough (eg. by tiredness, alcohol or drugs) throughout each scene to make reasonable judgements as to the well-being of the submissive.
The dominant, as regulator of the stimulus, serves two purposes. He allows the submissive to concentrate, or focus, on the experience rather than concerning herself with how and when the stimulus is applied, and also serves as the guide, taking the submissive in and then bringing her back out again.
The submissive trusts the dominant as the inflicter of the stimulus, but there are other areas of trust involved as well.
The entire ambient of the scene is under the control or, at least, watchful eye of the dominant. He ensures that, during the scene, while the submissive is "away" that there will be no distractions for her and that she is kept safe. He is her protector. Her trust in him to do this properly also affects how deeply she will be able to immerse herself in the experience.
The submissive, as she relaxes into her experience, surrenders control. The dominant typically serves as a focus for this surrender--being a trusted, maybe loved, partner. At the same time as the submissive surrenders control the dominant must be perceived to be accepting it from her. The relaxation occurs best when the submissive "sees" that the dominant has actively and obviously taken control--this gives the submissive confidence in her action of surrender.
One of the key words as far as trust goes is confidence. The submissive must be confident that her dominant will be able to, and will, take care of her. To be able to take care of his submissive the dominant must be able to understand her feelings and emotions (empathy), be aware of how these ebb and flow through the course of a scene, and indeed often outside of a scene as well, be able to communicate the fact that he has these understandings to the submissive, and be capable of handling the physical and procedural elements of the scenes, ie. that he is aware of how to flog or bind safely, that he is aware of techniques to handle physical and emotional crises, and that he is stable and reliable if such occurs.
Also, a submissive will trust a regular, well-known partner more than a stranger. And, the more intimate and detailed the understanding that the submissive has of the dominant the more comfortable she will feel handing over control to him.
For the psychological submissive and the slave the emotional intimacy leading to deepened trust is very important. These types of submissives require more than physical submission and thus, the vulnerability that the submissive feels is greatly increased over that experienced by the immediate submissive.
For trust in these two types to grow it is absolutely necessary that the dominant's performance--be it physical skill, or emotional sensitivity, understanding or support--be constant, reliable and predictable. The submissive must have absolute confidence about how the dominant will behave, and that her feelings and expressed desires are respected. Just slightly overstepping stated limits by even a fraction by a dominant can cause wariness and distrust that can take a long time to dispel.
The role of the dominant to each type of submissive
Each type of submissive requires different skills and abilities from her dominant. One which often goes unmentioned is the dominant's ability to "carry off" the "act of domination". This is being able to present himself and act in such a way that the submissive can both feel comfortable giving up control to him and also feel him taking it up. Some try to be dominants but cannot carry it off--they may appear comical instead of authorative for example. In any case, this ability can be either innate or learned, but must be present in all dominants.
The immediate submissive requires, above all, a dominant who is physically skilled at BDSM. IE., he must be aware of safety techniques, be skilled at bondage, flogging, whipping, waxing, etc. It is often the case that variety of techniques is the key to the success of this type of dominant.
Also good acting skills and imagination are important where the submissive requires fantasy to support their act of submission.
These skills are not skills that require emotional understanding or support of the submissive. They are plain and simple S&M and role-playing skills. "One-night stands" are possible and likely with this type of dominant.
The psychological submissive and the slave require someone who is capable of creating in them the feelings of trust that let them open up and experience their act of submission at a more emotional and spiritual level.
This dominant for these types of submissive need not be so gymnastic as that for the immediate submissive, nor must he be so capable at so many techniques. Instead he must be capable of understanding and supporting the submissive, and of providing the PDR for the specific acts of submission that satisfy the submissive.
These two types of submissives generally don't look for a wide range of techniques from their dominant. They find their satisfaction more in the depth of the experience rather than the breadth.
The dominant for these submissives must generally be capable, and interested, in sustaining an emotionally or spiritually intimate relationship with the submissive in the long-term. This allows the deep trust to develop which is required for the submissive's surrender, at least within the act of submission.
The dominant required by the slave has a different focus than that of the psychological submissive's.
The slave's dominant is looking to apply the PDR to satisfy the slave's need. There may be no recreational or pleasure element in the activity, or if there is it often must be considered as secondary to the primary need-satisfaction goal.
The psychological submissive likely receives more pleasure from the activity than the slave and therefore the dominant's role and focus is less business-like, more pleasure-oriented and more emotionally intimate than the slave's.
Because the slave experiences a need and not simply a desire, the dominant must be more responsible and recognise his duty to the slave to satisfy that need.
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