This is the second of two articles dealing with protocol and etiquette. The first article dealt with etiquette at social events, usually called "munches." Scene etiquette is the second component. Again, we'll look at what's acceptable, what's not, and what will earn you a friend or enemy for life or longer.
For the most part, the discussion of etiquette for munches (the previous article in this series) applies with equal force to dungeon parties, or "scenes". There are a few additional points, and one or two notable exceptions, though, that merit discussion.
The Overriding Scene Rule: There ARE Rules (Your Host's)
Dungeon parties (also called play parties, private parties or "scene" parties) are often private parties that are put on by a person or couple in their own home or play area. They often hold a party after munches in a gesture of good will to established group members. Never forget these parties are private parties, held at the discretion of the host. Never forget that the host has gone to extensive trouble to prepare his or her home for the party and may often have provided refreshments. And never forget who has to clean up after everyone's gone.
As a consequence, a host will feel free to set rules of conduct and play. Those rules have the effect of laws. Anyone violating them may be asked to leave, and will probably not be invited to the next one.
These rules will usually be posted. If not, it's always a good idea to ask the host if there are any rules and if so, to ask what they are or to see a copy of any printed rules.
Invitations
Even though this was discussed in the previous article, it bears repeating. These parties are by invitation only, and friends, tagalongs, etc. are not welcome. Never assume an invitation, and never solicit one.
Respecting Space
Often a lot of space is needed during play. Make sure that space is given. Otherwise, you may: (1) interfere with the scene; (2) interfere with the Dominant's concentration; (3) inadvertently cause an accident; and/or (4) catch a lash. This is also an easy way for newcomers to the lifestyle, however well dressed, to identify themselves. In addition, and being as "ahem" polite as I can be, DON'T F**KING INTERFERE WITH THE SCENE! THIS MEANS DON'T TRY TO TALK TO EITHER THE TOP OR THE BOTTOM UNLESS INVITED TO DO SO. DON'T TRY TO MAKE EYE CONTACT. IT IS ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE, BUT I'VE SEEN THIS HAPPEN AT JUST ABOUT EVERY D/S CONVENTION I'VE BEEN TO. GET A CLUE!
In all the time I have been involved with the D/s community, this rule is the one most frequently broken, and it is broken both by beginners and by people with more time in the community. It drives Dungeon Monitors nuts, as well. Please respect it.
Respecting Time
Often, there are a limited number of "play stations" at a party. Accordingly, people who are "scening" should be reasonably prudent about the amount of time their scening takes. Lifestylers know that a good scene takes time, so don't rush things. However, anything taking more than an hour can interfere with others' ability to enjoy themselves.
"Helping" The Scene
Everyone likes to help in a scene, and I consider it a significant honor for someone I respect to ask me to help or participate in scening another. I'm usually delighted to help. When helping, however, take care not to interfere or take it over unless requested to do so. In addition, uninvited help or even asking if one can help in the middle of a scene carries a grave risk of destroying concentration or flow, and thus of ruining the scene. With the best of intentions, one can make a very bitter enemy by providing "uninvited" help. Don't do it.
Gawking
People who are scening at a party do enjoy the attention that is focused on them. Often a Dominant is using public play or activity to further train or expand his sub's limits. Further, everyone likes their work to be appreciated, and there are some real artists out there. However, gawking, drooling or salivating is considered very rude. People will begin to wonder whether you are sharing a lifestyle that you enjoy or whether you're "in it for the sex". So take care not to make your observation too much of a good thing.
Clean Up
For those who are scening, cleaning up is essential. The people who impress me the most during dungeon parties are those who are prepared not only to scene but also to pick up. For example, they are the ones who put down drop cloths before wax play and who have "scrapers" handy. I like those people! The host likes them even more!
At times, I have run into a problem because I want to bring a sub who's been flying back to earth and care for her. I can't do that and clean up at the same time. My solution has been to ask in advance for help from a D/s couple or from an unattached friend. I'm always very appreciative of that help.
Hygiene
Hygiene issues are common in the lifestyle. People who follow good rules of hygiene are considered both safe and considerate. As another example, these are the people who bring a small spray bottle of disinfectant and towels to clean up areas where the submissive may have sweated. They bring their own blankets to put down if their play involves "prone position" activities. I like these people too!
RSVP's
In a lot of places, space is limited, and the host uses a head count to provide refreshments. Accordingly, if you are asked to RSVP, please do so. If you have RSVP'ed, show up on time. If you are unable to, let your host know as soon as possible.
D/M's
Dungeon Masters or Mistresses are there to make sure things go smoothly and that no one is harmed. They are usually experienced players who are also adept at dealing with people and diffusing problem situations. If a D/M ever suggests that perhaps a certain activity should be discontinued, it isn't really a suggestion and the activity should cease at once.
Similarly, if you observe activity you think is inappropriate or dangerous, it is not your place to stop it or interfere. Quietly let the D/M know, and let the D/M deal with it at his or her discretion. If the D/M lets it continue and you are still bothered, go elsewhere.
Conclusion
Dungeon parties are a bit (just a wee bit) different from munches. Accordingly, some (but not all) of the rules are different. The main points are to follow the host's rules, don't interfere with scenes unless invited, clean up and respect (and use) your friendly neighborhood Dungeon Master.
Feedback, comments, criticisms and suggestions (positive or negative) are encouraged, as I've never written anything that hasn't been improved by the input of others. XmentorX@aol.com